Creative Overflow.

Spence is in France. and hasn't contacted me in about 2 weeks. i'm losing hope.
ARGHHHHH fucking France fucking ski resort fuck fuck fuck.

anyway. everyday that goes by i think of another trick to avoid food, or a substitute, or learn something about myself or something, and i'm starting to totally see this as a way of life.
i've smoked alot this week though. i don't think it's been over 40 yet but it has to be getting that way.

This weekend was hard. really hard. i was SO good on saturday. so good. i ate a little more than usual because i was going out clubbing with my friends, but only like, fruit and a 200 cal fishcake and some porridge. and i didn't have a drop of alcohol at the club on saturday night but my friends got drunk and started dancing like crazy pilled up strippers, so i joined them in that and danced till dawn which must've burned afew calories! had a couple of chips with ketchup at the restaurant with my friends which isn't good, but it had to be less than 10, so it's not like i ate a bag of chips.
Yesterday wasn't a good day. I was at p[lay rehearsals, and i ended up having one too many twiglets. infact i shouldn't even have been eating crisps in the first place, and so i purged. i couldn't not. then some runner came to get me from the toilet to tell me i was meant to be on stage but luckily i was sorting myself out in the mirror by then. so avoided being caught, think she thought i'd been crying.
And even after that i had a few jaffa cakes at home, because my mum bought loads of choccie nd biscuits for my brother. agh! then last night it was my friend's 21st party, and again everyone was drunk, but i didn't drink. oh god. my friend dan asked me what i want to drink, and when i said nothing he looked at me like i'd gone mad, and so i just said i'm on diet. stupid excuse, i could've said i'm driving, i've got college tomorrow, i'm on painkilers, but whatever. so then all night he kept putting his drunken arm around me telling me i'm gorgeous and not fat and don't need to be on a diet and we made a compromise, one vodka lime and soda wasn't going to do anything but i really couldn't drink it so i took tiny sips and tipped it away when we went ouside for a fag. feel bad literally tipping his money down the drain. 

onwards and upwards, as ever. 
trying something new today; baby food. it's actualy not bad at all and has like 50 calories a pot. yay!

fuck spence. fuck him.
sarge and dan fancy me (even though they're both aware -- in the wordsof catatonia -- i'd rather stay single and thin)

i hate france and food.

i'm so immeasurabley pissed off.

i can't even explain why, i'm just so angry.
and it's good in a way because it's made me all the more determined to restrict. but still.

arhghagnU8QR446018RT*)&*"eyidqhd

i hate talking to people about this sort of stuff as well because it makes me sound like a depressive or an attention seeker, but whatever. i'm hungry. i'm gonna make the lowest cal dinner ever, have a bath, cry, read and go to sleep.

I hate Spence for being in France.
I hate Monkey, Sarge and Dan for making the whole Spence situation more confusing.
I hate Emma for making me feel fat and boring. even though i make her feel ugly and boring and i love her to pieces really. i dunno what i'd do without her.

Fuck it, i'm blabbering. i just can't even express the number of mixed emotions i'm feeling. 

arghhhh and i have an exam tomorrow and the thought of it makes me just want to have a child-like tantrum, bang my fists and kick my legs and cry and shout "NO NO NO!" i can't do it. i haven't worked hard enough. and i should be working now, and i sort of am, but it's such a horrible task.
Does anyone ever feel like they're wading through treacle?

OH GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

20 minutes til dinner. then nothing.

So, my pre-diet junk food dinner last night was truly awful... 2 slices of toast with marmite, and half a big bag of wine gums - but that was my farewell to junk food. 
So, day 1 and today i've been so good. at least i think i have, it's hard to tell really, but i had porridge with a fraction of the amount of honey i normally have, pasta with roasted vegetables for lunch (OUT ASWELL!), and am eating tuna, (a smidge of) low fat mayo and sweetcorn as we speak for dinner. i've drank plenty of water, 2 cups of sugar free tea (where normally i would have 1 sugar in each),  a soda & lime, a nutrigrain bar containing 113 calories, and  afew wine gums, and a few salted peanuts.
Okay so, some of those things aren't that good, but balance it out with the fact that i had a 45 minute swim and a 15 minute sauna and i've eaten way less than i usually eat. considering it's day one aswell, the no junk food thing is possibly the hardest thing ever to give up on, i'm going to have to wean myself off. 
i'm impressed with my will power though, on the way from wetherspoons, where i had a late lunch with the girls, to my bus stop, there are 2 confectionary shops, i went in to both and walked out of both empty handed. AND the other girls had a glass of wine with lunch where i had a soda & lime. (it's alright for emma really though, she's stick thin) so, things are looking good after day 1, can be improved upon, but still good, and seeing as i don't have work tonight, bath followed by fake tan and bed at 10.
the real struggle will be work tomorrow night, normally i pick at things like ice cream and manage to do it guilt free because i'm walking around so much at work, but tomorrow this stops. gotta do it though, gotta do it. 
and lunch with emma tomorrow but that should be alright, i managed lunch today AND a swim!
i have decided to buy a body fat monitor and a pedometer. :)

basically, i've decided tonight i'm gonna take some measurements, and also i'm gonna just write about why i eat and when so that i know and can try and stop.

when i was with my ex, i found out from a friend that she had overheard him talking about sleeping with other girls. this was at work, and i ate an apple crumble and SO much pistachio ice cream that night. I think i'm a bit of an emotional eater.
I also eat when i'm bored. like, sitting online talking to friends on the internet, food is constantly on my mind (not if i'm on here however aha! problem solved!) 
and i go out to dinner a lot and eat well for the actual meal, but then Emma will have a big fat chocolate fudge cake with ice cream (which she can totally get away with, being teeny tiny skinny small) and all it takes is for her to go "go ooonnnn" and it's down my throat. 

solutions to these are easy, today i didnt go for a pudding (neither did Emma but she did have a gingerbread man later on that i resisted) - it's a matter of self control, keeping busy solves the boredom one, however eating because i'm emotional is a struggle particularly as the man in my life (who, however is not yet stamped and branded as mine or twisted round my little finger per say) is in france with cool girl shagging her silly probably. this is fine. it'll be when he gets back and doesnt want me anymore because i'm not as thin/pretty/whatever as her that i'll feel a wreck. it's also when i have days like today when i know he's been online but didn't email me that could tip me over the edge. yes i am paranoid. i don't even know "coolgirl"s name let alone her waist size, bra size and facial features. but still this is a worry.
One thing i constantly have to remind myself to stop my overactive imagination is that he is currently in france temporarily. it's his fantasy land. i am his r e a l i t y.

that was a little off topic, but i feel better now. it's fine. when he gets back to me, his reality, i'll be my target weight, my hair will have grown and basically i'll have completed the three month get sexy plan. meaning i'll be so sexy he'll forget about coolgirl and be back with yours truly.

pheeeeeeewwww. 

that's all for noowwww.

Last night i binged on chinese and made myself sick, because i am a twat and have therefore managed to escape college today by means of "no, mum, i'm not going. i feel sick. see you later." and yes, today i feel disgusting. especially as it's now 4.15pm and i'm still clad in pink polka dot pyjama bottoms that clash awfully with my top half, and i've eaten shit loads today too.
Spence has been gone for 16 days and has already met someone who shall forever be labelled as 'cool girl'. i have been on 3 dates and no one compares to him and the friendship we had before he buggered off to France to eye up gorgeous snowboarder chicks. As Emma correctly pointed out, however, they're only there for 3 months and it's not reality over there, it's an extended holiday, not normal life; everything including romances with 'cool girl's are not real, normal, everyday life. I'm his real, normal, everyday, boring, dyke haired, fat, blonde, spotty life for him to come back to. (Ryan's gone too which means me and Emma are in the same boat. Granted, mine's a 5 star cruise ship compared to her dingy that's slowly sinking). Yes, he's been in contact, but only through myspace and only because i contacted him first.... Emma's had one phonecall. 
So today marks the birth of the 3 month plan. The 3 month get sexy/organised/'cool' plan. so that he still wants me when he gets back.

Or..... so that i feel better about myself. And i'm going to outline the plan, and blog my sticking to it, complete with weigh-ins, diary entries, cigarette and alcohol units count etc. via livejournal. also blogging my day-to-day life along side it because you know, clearly my life is that interesting that i'm going to want to look back over the next 3 months and what i've achieved, when in April i am STILL single, fat, boring, blonde, dyke-haired and spotty.
Oh, the power of positive thinking. right. PLAN.

Cigarette intake;    limited to 40 per week. - this is probably more than i smoke as it is, so i can just continue as always. 

Alcohol intake;      one large glass of wine per week. - this will be difficult because i get invited out alot and there are loads of birthdays, 18/21, coming up too. inc. Holly's on Sunday, and me and Holly are Tequila buddies. Nevertheless, wine is probably my favourite drink and one glass a week should be more than reasonable considering i want to lose weight. I can have a good time without being drunk right? Lets prove to myself that i'm not an alcoholic.

Other Beverage Consumption;      2 litres of water a day. - I try and drink alot anyway ... "you'll have nice skin, you'll have nice skin"

SLEEP;     weeknights when you're not at work; BED AT TEN.*
                   weeknights at work; SOON AS YOU GET IN.*
                  weekends not at work; one or before with a couple of exceptions allowed.*
                  weekends at work; one latest.*
*exceptions include people's birthdays, and nights out on a weekend, but not too often.

- the weeknight thing will be a challenge.

EXCERSISE;    strictly come dancing dvd 3 times a week.
                          swim and sauna at least once a week.
                          JOIN A GYM and go when you can. Wednesday afternoons.

- i imagine this will be tough to stick to, but i just need to try and make time.

BEAUTY;            on nights when not at work, try and have a bath followed by a fake tan at around 8. this will aid relaxation, stop you eating, smoking or drinking.
                            the fake tans gonna make you look slimmer, and build up and give you more confidence.
                           get hair trimmed every 6 weeks, so i'm due for my next trim in a month.
                           remove makeup EVERY NIGHT before going to bed. esp on nights after work. this will help stop you eating when you get in aswell.
                          

FOOD;     substitute meals for slim fast wherever possible.
                 NO drunken binging.
                 
                 no junk food. hormone chocolate ONLY and only when i'm on.   - i can and WILL do this. 
                 smoothies allowed.
                TRY and eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day 
                 porridge for brekkie
                 make your own lunch! SAVES £££ aswell.
                 no snacking unless it's on fruit.
                  regulate portion size.
                 do things such as excersise or homework to relieve cravings and stop binges.


- this will honestly be the most difficult thing ever. 


think spenospenospeno.
might add more to this later, tomorrow is day 1.

PS - yes, i am cringeing at the bridget jones factor this entire journal seems to have. i'm not like her.